I have not been feeling one hundred percent since Black Friday. At this point I suspect that I had two different colds; only the first of which I properly recovered from. I think it was something my son brought home with him from preschool, as our symptoms started at the same time. Of course his recovery was speedier than mine. Since I am pregnant, the medicinal relief that I was able to use is quite limited. I should have given myself grace and allowed my body to have the rest it needs to recover sooner. However, between my husband going out of town for work and looming end of year deadlines, I was the primary caregiver for that week and worked (from home) as necessary and as time allowed, in order to wrap up deliverables prior to holiday.
I know now that I should have taken better care of myself.
I so vividly remember what my VP told me almost exactly four years ago when I was pregnant and showed up sick to work. He directed me to go home and rest, that I didn’t need to spread any cold around the office, and if I truly felt like it was necessary that I could bring my computer home with me. Hearing this from an authority figure was groundbreaking in the days pre-COVID. Only then did I realize that going to work sick was not a badge of honor, rather it was putting those who work in the surrounding spaces at risk. Why did it take me 35 years for me to have that breakthrough?
I suspect it was because I grew up in a household where you went to school no matter how you felt. I have the distinct memory of having what I believe could only be a fever in sixth grade. Lining up in the classroom to go to lunch, I looked down at my arms and noticed my goosebumps. When I commented on how cold it was, I was informed that it was just me. This was a typical instance of “dealing with it” when I was feeling ill. With the exception of the chicken pox incident of 1995, when I was sent to school despite being in the early days of having the childhood rite of passage sickness and only after being clocked by my mom’s friend Carol, I had perfect attendance up until I was in eleventh grade. It was then when I started to have more agency about speaking up when I did not feel well enough to attend school. I felt so guilty that day in 2001 when my menstrual cramps were so brutal that I missed the first half of the school day.
This toxic way of thinking was – and is – difficult to break. I am clearly still working on it when it comes to myself, though my husband has been the best help in identifying these unhealthy habits. While I am not as great at giving myself grace, I will never send my son to preschool with as much of the beginnings of a runny nose or a low-grade fever, because that cycle stops here.
Upon some reflection on the past month / quarter, I am allowing myself a period of rest during the first few weeks of 2024. I need to be healthy and on my game in time for later this year, for obvious reasons. No Red Room, minimal exertion. I will be back to sweatlife in a few weeks once I know that I have kicked it out of my system.